Essays & Experiences

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0 height="100%"><tr> <td valign="top" width=200 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <A HREF="id64.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Spring"><U>Spring</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id66.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Summer"><U>Summer</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Breath of Winter, and Sorrow is not Fore"><U>Breath of Winter, and Sorrow is not Forever - Love is.</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Holidays Seasons Reflected yeararound"><U>Holidays & Seasons Reflected year-around*</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id59.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="New Years Resolutions"><U>New Year's Resolutions</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thoughts and Poetry"><U>Thoughts and Poetry</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id60.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thoughts and Reflections "><U>Thoughts and Reflections </U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id70.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thoughts, Memories, and Expressions"><U>Thoughts, Memories, and Expressions</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="forum.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thoughts, Webrings, Yahoo Groups"><U>Thoughts, Webrings, & Yahoo Groups</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id52.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Art Expressions of Love Healing"><U>Art - Expressions of Love & Healing</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id51.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Songs Memories Music from the Heart"><U>Songs & Memories - Music from the Heart</U></A></div> <div> <B>Essays & Experiences</B></div> <div> <A HREF="id71.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gardens and Plants"><U>Gardens and Plants</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id69.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Book review: Touching the Edge"><U>Book review:  "Touching the Edge"</U></A></div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <IMG SRC="1a53c310.gif" border=0 width="60" height="49" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Minneapolis Chapter of The Compassionate"><U>home</U></A></div> <bR> </td> <td valign="top" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>Minneapolis Chapter of The Compassionate Friends</B></FONT>     |     <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Minneapolis Chapter of The Compassionate"><U>home</U></A></div> <div> back to  <A HREF="id4.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Thoughts, Poetry, and Reflections"><U><B>Thoughts, Poetry, and Reflections</B></U></A></div> <div> Essays & Experiences</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="4" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="513" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP HEIGHT= 1051 WIDTH="247"><div> <B><U>The Shirt in the Clothes Hamper</U></B></div> <div> The shirt was at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper when he died.  I found it there when I got around to doing wash sometime after the funeral.  Life must go on in spite of what happens to us, and the wash is part of ordinary day-to-day life.</div> <bR> <div> It was natural for the shirt to be there; I'd done his wash since he was born twenty-one years before.  I stood and looked at it and decided to leave it there.</div> <bR> <div> Year after year, wash after wash, I left it there.  This was a symbol of normal life.  My life wasn't normal any more, and I left it there to sort of hang on to the past, I guess.  It gave me comfort to see such an ordinary, normal thing as one of his shirts in the dirty clothes, when my life was so extraordinary now.</div> <bR> <div> One by one, such "hangings on" are done away with, as we slowly reenter life's mainstream again.  We know the time is right for these habits to go, when we don't grieve for them when they happen.  And they must happen, just as we must move on, eventually.</div> <bR> <div> One day in a fit of neatness, my daughter did the wash, and she washed the shirt.  It must have been five years after her brother died.  I felt a tiny surprise, when I saw the shirt hanging clean in the closet.  But I didn't feel sorrow or even disappointment.  The time seemed to be right for the shirt to leave the dirty clothes hamper.  A simple thing, but this was a symbol of progress of sorts.</div> <bR> <div> I'm glad no one rushed me - I would have resented it.  I was allowed this simple idiosyncrasy, until it was natural to give it up.  Left alone, I probably never would have removed the shirt - just left it there, never really knowing why.  But when this happened, I knew it was getting better.  Finally, I was letting go, and that was okay.</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Fay Harden</B></div> <div> <B>TCF - Tuscaloosa, AL</B></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <B><IMG SRC="2427a900.gif" border=0 width="122" height="144" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></B></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="247"><div> <B><U>An Act of Loving Kindness for a</U></B></div> <div> <B><U> Broken Heart</U></B></div> <div> "Hi Mommy, what are you doing?" asked Susie.</div> <div> "I'm making a casserole for Mrs. Smith next door," said her mother.</div> <div> "Why?" asked Susie, who was only six years old.</div> <div> "Because Mrs. Smith is very sad.  She lost her daughter and she has a broken heart.  We need to take care of her for a little while."</div> <div> "Why, Mommy?"</div> <div> "You see, Susie, when someone is very, very sad, they have trouble doing the little things like making dinner or other chores.  Because we're part of a community and Mrs. Smith is our neighbor, we need to do some things to help her.  Mrs. Smith won't ever be able to talk with her daughter or hug her or do all those wonderful things that mommies and daughters do together.  You are a very smart girl, Susie; maybe you'll think of some way to help take care of Mrs. Smith."</div> <div> Susie thought seriously about this challenge and how she could do her part in caring for Mrs. Smith.  A  few minutes later, Susie knocked on her door.  After a few moments, Mrs. Smith answered the knock with a "Hi, Susie."</div> <div> Susie noticed that Mrs. Smith didn't have that familiar musical quality about her voice when she greeted someone.  Mrs. Smith also looked as though she might have been crying, because her eyes were watery and swollen.</div> <div> "What can I do for you, Susie?" asked Mrs. Smith.</div> <div> "My mommy says that you lost your daughter, and you're very, very sad with a broken heart."  Suzie held her hand out shyly.  In it was a band-aid.</div> <div> "This is for your broken heart."  </div> <div> Mrs. Smith gasped, choking back her tears.  She knelt down and hugged Susie.  Throough her tears she said, "Thank you, darling girl, this will help a lot."</div> <div> Mrs. Smith accepted Susie's act of kindness and took it one step further.  She purchased a small key ring with a plexiglass picture frame - the ones designed to carry keys and proudly display a family portrait at the same time.</div> <div> Mrs. Smith placed Susie's band-aidin the frame to remind herself to heal a little every time she sees it.  She wisely knows that healing takes time and support.  It has become her symbol for healing, while not forgetting the joy and love she experienced with her daughter.</div> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <B>Author Unknown</B></div> <div> <B>TCF - Greater Providence</B></div> <div> <B>Area Chapter Newsletter</B></div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <div> <IMG SRC="29507500.png" border=0 width="519" height="848" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> <bR> <div> <B>My 16 year old daughter Samantha passed away 12/10/2000 after a brief and aggressive illness called Lupus.</B> She was15 at the time of diagnosis and lived only 7 months after diagnosis. We never thought she would die from this so it did come as a shock. I'm looking for other mothers who have lost a teenager to an illness like this. thank you.</div> <bR> <div> <B>Save What's Left</B></div> <div> By Aunt Willie </div> <div> The phone rang at 11:07pm.</div> <div> My life has forever been altered since losing my 16yr old niece Hannah in a car accident. This was not just my niece, but a little sister, a best friend, the light in my life. </div> <div> Now that she's gone, I'm at a complete loss and desperately trying to pick up the pieces and save my own heart from dying. My sister, Hannah's mother means just as much if not more and I can not bear to loose another. I can only imagine her despair, her heart ache and want to do whatever I can to ease the pain. </div> <div> I know this loss is not about comparing pain, but I want to be there, be supportive of those who are suffering more than I am...those who have made comments of not wanting to live on. I can not lose another love in my life.</div> <div> And there are those that love me not as affected as others that I find myself pulling away. If I let them get closer more intimate in my life then there's a chance of losing them.</div> <bR> <div> I just want to save what's left. I know its not my job or even possible, but I can't stop trying to save what's left.</div> <bR> <div> I'm not sure how much sense this makes, but I have found TCF to be so understanding and supportive for someone feeling like a lost soul.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Helping Children Cope With Death</div> <bR> <div> by Theresa Wilson</div> <div> (c)Meeting The Needs </div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="http://shelovesgod.com/library/article.cfm?articleid=5739" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://shelovesgod.com/library/article.c"><U>Age is not a prerequisite to grief.</U></A> Not unlike their parents, child must be allowed to experience the stages of grief. Denial of opportunity to “release” feelings, participate in family loss, and share in recovery can be very damaging to the health and well being of the child. </div> <div> You do not have to be a psychologist or therapist to understand and use basic tools to address the needs of a grieving child. It does require recognition that “kids are people too,” and acceptance that their process of mending is no different than adults. Whether death or divorce, the stages of a child’s emotional recuperating are very similar to adults, and must be fully addressed by the parents in order to reap positive results. </div> <div> Never assume you know what your child may be thinking or feeling. Even in the closest relationships, he or she will keep their most intimate feelings as they assess, for themselves, the impact of the emotional trauma and related environment issues that have been forced upon them. There are general stages of grief manifested in behaviors, attitudes and changes similar to the following: </div> <div> Initial Shock which can be manifested in periods of withdrawal and silence or through wild behavior and disobedience; </div> <div> Emotional Release which is a stage of becoming more aware of their loss and reacting with dramatic release of various emotions including crying without cause, striking siblings or becoming easily provoked. Some youth may exhibit a variety of disruptive behaviors in school in addition to anti-social responses at home; </div> <div> Physical Symptoms include sleepless nights, nightmares, abnormal eating habits and digestive problems; and finally Guilt Feelings exhibited by blaming others for what they feel they have done to create the situation. </div> <div> The road to recovery for youth may require that adults take a proactive role. There are several activities parents can use to create an atmosphere of comfort and support. These activities also encourage a closer communication between parent and child that moves far beyond the immediate crisis. </div> <div> <B>Encourage</B> your child to prepare a picture album of favorite activities thy experienced with the loved one. This may include family outings, birthday celebrations, or special events and holidays. </div> <div> <B>Encourage</B> the child to write a story or “diary of events” about the positive experiences they remember when the loved one was with them (purchase a colorful diary or notebook and include a “special pen” the child can use for this activity. Make this a personal experience for them that no one else can share. Do ask to read their diary entries or short stories. Let them offer to share when they are ready. If the child is unsure how to begin, suggest they develop a summary around the picture album. </div> <div> <B>Encourage</B> the child to draw pictures of pleasant memories. Purchase a combination of crayons, paint and brushes. Make the project unique to them. Keep it easy and convenient to begin by making it clear supplies will be available as they find the need for them. The key here is to make sure their interest in expressing themselves is not dampened by the lack of supplies. </div> <div> The key ingredient is your openness to explore whatever creative ideas are necessary to help your child move through the grief process and not become stagnate in any one phase. In helping children cope with the loss of someone they love keep the following in mind: </div> <div> <B>Be honest and direct</B> and truthful in explaining what happened. Creating stories to “protect” feelings may make the grief process more difficult in the long run. </div> <div> <B>Allow and Encourage</B> children to express their feelings openly. Let them know that crying is normal, helpful and acceptable. Don’t put time limits on this process. Each child is unique and will move along at a pace most comfortable to him. Don’t compare or contrast one child from another and categorize strength or weaknesses. Help them know you accept their feelings, support positive choices and will guide them through negative experiences along the way. </div> <div> <B>Accept</B> individual emotions and reactions and don’t tell the child what he or she should or should not feel. </div> <div> <B>Listen</B> to what the child is saying then focus on responding to the child’s needs. Avoid putting words in their mouth or thoughts in their head. Become a good listener. </div> <div> <B>Be a strong foundation</B>, maintaining as much stability in the child’s life as you can. </div> <div> <B>Encourage</B> the child to be part of some of the decisions the family will make during the death planning process. Take time to explain the process and procedures and always ask them how they feel. Don’t band them from discussions. </div> <div> <B>Be patient</B>, recognizing that children may need to hear what happened again and again and will ask the same questions over and over. Not unlike the learning curve in school, repetition is helpful to reinforcing the meaning of an end of life process. </div> <div> Grieving is an individual wilderness experience that is not exclusive to adults. Shock, anger, denial, guilt and behavior changes are human responses. Children need adults to help them connect to their resources, maintain a positive attitude, and walk in faith believing that they will heal and get through it. Knowing that someone cares will help make their “wilderness” journey easier to bear. You will both be victorious if you take a step back from your own pain and remember that children grieve too. </div> <div> Theresa V. Wilson, M.Ed. is a freelance writer and owner of a home based business dedicated to providing products and resources for grieving families and caregivers facing health recovery and crisis related issues. </div> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="1" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="648" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="VOID" RULES="NONE" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 20 WIDTH="567"><div> <B>Teen Bereavement</B></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP ROWSPAN=3 WIDTH="74"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="20" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="74" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 35 WIDTH="567"><div>  by Heidi Smith</div> <bR> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=CENTER HEIGHT= 130 WIDTH="567"><div> My daughter, age 17, recently lost her baby after only 13 days. His heart stopped beating, he was delivered by emergency c-section, and suffered severe brain damage from the lack of oxygen which occurred while his heart had been stopped. The doctors have no explanation as to why/how this happened. I'm looking for other teenage mothers that have lost babies so that my daughter could have some type of common bond through her<A HREF="grace.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Missing GRACE "><U> grieving process</U></A>.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Minneapolis Chapter of The Compassionate"><U>home</U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>